How to move on from an abusive relationship?

Relationships are the core of any human life. Be it with your parents, siblings, friends, or better half, relationships are present in every sphere of life. Relationships may take many forms. Some of them may help you to move forward in life, while others may turn out abusive in the long run. Too many limitations, control, jealousy, and possessiveness are abusive relationship signs. Emotionally abusive relationships and physically abusive relationships are all taxing for a person. 

When you are going through an abusive relationship, the most common advice thrown in your way would be “this would get better,” “just leave him/her,” “you should do it for your kids,” etc. Such advice may lead to more confusion or frustration as you may know what to do to get out of the abusive relationship, but such advice acts as roadblocks on your way to making a concrete decision. 

A psychological perspective to getting rid of the abusive relationship involves a series of analyses based on questions like What’s happening and how do you change it? Has this happened before, and how did you create this situation in the first place? Exploring the situation further and dissecting your emotions is the first step to move on from an abusive relationship. 

To make it easier to combat an abusive relationship, here are a few steps you can use.

1) Explore your fear

Most abusive relationships are shrouded by fear, and it awards you more fear each time you decide to analyze the relationship. The situation that you are in is real, and so is the level of fear around you. But what are the things you fear now? Most fears are about the consequences of moving out. What if your partner breaks down? What if you break down? What if they mistreat their future partners? What if they show anger on your children or their friends? How will you survive on your own? 

These fears end up in behaviors such as denial of moving out and accepting your abusive relationship, which only hurts you more and hinders your growth. Such fears keep your abuser in control and to move on, and the first step is to challenge the abuser and remove them out of control. Changing your perspective on fear is the first solution. 

You need to know that fear is not wrong. In fact, it is a defense mechanism that warns you of something wrong. It tries to protect you, and it is completely normal to fear an abusive relationship. Listen to it, but never allow it to affect or make the decisions for you. Write down your fears and try to write one solution for each. 

Your fears and solutions could be:

“I won’t be able to cope alone.”

Think over who you were before, during, and after the abusive relationship. Think over the struggles you faced in the relationship and see how you have survived through it. You may have problems in paying, purchasing, managing emotions, and standing on your own legs. But you will survive because adversity is the mother of invention, and humans have the capacity to find out solutions. You will, too; you need to believe in it. 

“No one will support me.”

You need to remember that the wrong ones leave, the right ones stay. It may be a challenge to find the right ones. Most of your friends may be ready to support you but may be bound by their own inhibitions and doubts. 

However, there are countless domestic violence support groups to give you the required emotional support and arm you with advice in legal, career, and other skills to use your rights and acquire freedom. 

“My children will suffer because of me.”

Parents are often the early role models of children. Leaving an abusive relationship is the best thing you can do for yourself and them. This helps them to learn from you as to how to stand for their self-esteem, prioritizing themselves, and setting boundaries. Comfort your children with love and ensure them that they had nothing to do with the abusive relationship and how it turned out.

Disable the abuser

Now that you have learned to combat your fear, it is time to disable your abuser and tap their fears. The abuser may seem fully confident outward, but inside there may be deep-seated fear of being abandoned, left alone, or losing control over you. Their fears may be because they know they need you more than you need them. It may also translate to them behaving like a child and wanting to have your attention through any form of abuse. 

The underlying immaturity and insecurity that they hold is a sign that you need to avoid any adult conversation with them and not have to reason out anything. Be assertive and careful of how much you reveal about yourself. Assert your opinions and tell them where they went wrong, and leave it up to them to choose to change or continue being the same way. 

If you find your abuser not listening to you, then you must make it as public as possible. Talk to people outside the abusive relationship and let them know of the abuses so far. Keep safe track of the number of times, places, dates, and type of abuse they gave you. This will ensure you have enough evidence to prove your abuser bad and have enough backing to support you. 

Ground your guilt

Breaking up can be hard, and it is normal to suffer the aftermath guilt of any relationship, be it an abusive relationship or not. Guilt turns destructive when it stops you from making any constructive decisions in life. Analyze your guilt by asking questions. 

What exactly are you feeling guilty of? How is it your fault? The decision you made with your partner? The future you give your children? Your future without a partner?

Emotions control our behaviors, and accepting them is the key to learning to let them go. You can feel guilt, but you cannot allow it to make decisions for you. You need to accept the decisions you have taken and think forward. Let go of the past and don’t feel the necessity to punish yourself hard.

Use Your Anger

Beneath fear and guilt lies a growing level of anger. Anger is often a fuel to get us out of bad situations. Project your anger onto the right people, and don’t let the wrath of your abusive relationship ruin the other relationships you hold in your life. Divert anger as energy and try to derive a plan out further. Do not succumb to revenge and use your anger wisely to plan and make the best out of your impact. 

Rebuild Self-Esteem

Abusive relationships begin by derogating your self-esteem and simply use you for their pleasures. They make you ground your own worth, and this makes you fear the future of any of your other relationships. You start to doubt yourself if you deserve love and care, and you start giving in to the abuse. 

Once you move away from an abusive relationship, it is time to work on your self-esteem. Create a sense of worth for yourself through positive decisions and value yourself beyond your roles of being a parent, sibling, spouse, or child. 

Treat yourself as an investment and be soft on yourself. Understand what the abusive relationship took away from you and act better on building yourself back. Do not look back on any of your decisions with regret and acknowledge your past mistakes as opportunities to grow. 

Building your self-esteem is a process, and it begins when you st5and up for yourself by saying “NO” and walk out the door.

Parting Thoughts

We all deserve love and care, and no abusive relationship must be given the power to choose how we live our life. Moving out of an abusive relationship may be hard, but doing it opens several other doors to your life.

Knowledge is power and can shift the power dynamic from the abuser to the survivor. Read along to know more